If it is good why do I feel grief?

I am an emotional mess this morning and to my surprise my water ducts are in overdrive with sadness.  We made the tough decision to let go our nanny yesterday.  We knew for a while that it was not a good fit but she was not mistreating our girls so we kept riding it out, delaying the inevitable.  We are more than confident that it is the best decision for the entire family but for some reason I am feeling incredible grief over it.  One major reason is that our nanny bonded amazingly with our eldest daughter, who has severe special needs.  Our daughter is non-verbal and is entirely dependent on others for all of her needs and she really took to the nanny.  This melted our hearts for the connection was real and deep.

Today is the nanny’s last day and we haven’t told Reilly yet and when we do  we will have no idea whether she will understand from our verbal conversation.  What pains me the most is that over the next couple of week’s the nanny will no longer be around and I am sure Reilly will wonder where she is and she will have no ability to communicate with us her own questions about her absence.  I am writing this at work and the tears are flowing down my cheeks along with a few sobs. Thank god it is early and no one else is around.   There are so few things that Reilly enjoys and yet we take this one great relationship from her.  In the future once, London, is all grown up and out of the house and should we be in a position to hire a caregiver for Reilly, this nanny would be an ideal fit.  One might ask then why didn’t you keep her for your eldest, well that would be nice, but we certainly could not afford to fill the gaps that existed in other areas.  Plus one other reason for letting our nanny go is that she really took over a lot of the care responsibilities for Reilly, she did this part of her job really well and too well. We felt that we were losing out on spending time with Reilly and doing things for her that only a parent should do. This was not the fault of the nanny but rather the dynamic of having a live-in nanny. We had no idea how it all would work out with having someone live with us and I think we are better suited for someone to come in for specific hours and then allow us to be parents the rest of the time.  How can you fault someone for caring?

There are some other reasons for our decision that I will share another time that will round out the picture. Some are rather humorous looking back that will leave you shaking your head, why would she do that? But for now I will torture myself with knowing that our decision will break Reilly’s heart and hopefully with extra kisses, hugs and cuddles she will forgive us.  Kleenex time.


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