If it is good why do I feel grief?

I am an emotional mess this morning and to my surprise my water ducts are in overdrive with sadness.  We made the tough decision to let go our nanny yesterday.  We knew for a while that it was not a good fit but she was not mistreating our girls so we kept riding it out, delaying the inevitable.  We are more than confident that it is the best decision for the entire family but for some reason I am feeling incredible grief over it.  One major reason is that our nanny bonded amazingly with our eldest daughter, who has severe special needs.  Our daughter is non-verbal and is entirely dependent on others for all of her needs and she really took to the nanny.  This melted our hearts for the connection was real and deep.

Today is the nanny’s last day and we haven’t told Reilly yet and when we do  we will have no idea whether she will understand from our verbal conversation.  What pains me the most is that over the next couple of week’s the nanny will no longer be around and I am sure Reilly will wonder where she is and she will have no ability to communicate with us her own questions about her absence.  I am writing this at work and the tears are flowing down my cheeks along with a few sobs. Thank god it is early and no one else is around.   There are so few things that Reilly enjoys and yet we take this one great relationship from her.  In the future once, London, is all grown up and out of the house and should we be in a position to hire a caregiver for Reilly, this nanny would be an ideal fit.  One might ask then why didn’t you keep her for your eldest, well that would be nice, but we certainly could not afford to fill the gaps that existed in other areas.  Plus one other reason for letting our nanny go is that she really took over a lot of the care responsibilities for Reilly, she did this part of her job really well and too well. We felt that we were losing out on spending time with Reilly and doing things for her that only a parent should do. This was not the fault of the nanny but rather the dynamic of having a live-in nanny. We had no idea how it all would work out with having someone live with us and I think we are better suited for someone to come in for specific hours and then allow us to be parents the rest of the time.  How can you fault someone for caring?

There are some other reasons for our decision that I will share another time that will round out the picture. Some are rather humorous looking back that will leave you shaking your head, why would she do that? But for now I will torture myself with knowing that our decision will break Reilly’s heart and hopefully with extra kisses, hugs and cuddles she will forgive us.  Kleenex time.


The Secret

I have been having a real tough time at work lately and I have also been sidelined on the running front so needless to say I have been down in the dumps but looking for answers. On Monday night I chatted with a girlfriend who went to Oprah’s Lifeclass session and as to be expected it was an incredible experience. Despite her being 20 rows from the back in a crowd of 9000 people, Oprah came to her section and she was able to touch her arm and say some meaningful words to her.  I relayed to my friend that I have met a few people who appeal to a higher universal force to help guide them in their lives and in every case, these individuals lead wonderful “charmed” lives. I asked out loud whether this ability to connect with the greater force out there is open to everyone or whether it is like other things  where some people’s brains are wired a certain way and only a select few can tap into it. 

For some reason I have never really tried, assuming that why would “little old me” have this amazing ability to connect with something greater until yesterday. Going into work yesterday I started asking out loud in a crazy way could someone guide me in what I am supposed to. I figured I had nothing to lose and might as well try. Unfortunately I had another crappy day.  After work I proceeded to go pick up my youngest daughter and her friend from their first yoga class.  I arrived at the studio 15 minutes early and sat down and started looking around. I noticed a little corner with a couple of shelves with quite a few well read books on them. So I ventured over, scanned the spines of the books and selected one called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I have seen this book before at stores and honestly thought it was a novel so I decided I would scan it and see what it was about.  When I opened the book I realized right away that it was a self help book and at first I was slightly dissapointed. I read a lot of these types of books but I was just looking for a little distraction. I continued though to plunge in and learned right away that the title of the book and the premise of its learnings all centres around The Law of Attraction.  Essentially what you think is what you will attract, and it implies that all my recent woes are self-induced.  So for the next 5 minutes and no more I read, digested, cleared my mind, read, digested, cleared my mind, and was hooked to continue but had to get ready to receive the girls as the class was drawing to an end. I vowed to pick up the book asap.

I went down to wait near the classroom where the girls would be coming out and there was another mom who was waiting for her daughter. We started chatting and I learned that she works for a large company within their Supply Chain Management division. The odds of meeting someone within this industry are small, let alone at a yoga studio. I  half-jokingly said ‘are you hiring’ and she said in fact I am. I was floored. Within 15 minutes of entering the yoga studio, I literally fell upon a secret that might change my life for the positive.  This lady emailed me right them and I responded later last night with my contact information and requested that we get together for a coffee/tea. Regardless of what happens, I have made a connection and one that will be a good reminder of the power of attraction through the vibes you create as a result of your thoughts and internal energy.

Despite the crap that might go on today, I am actually looking forward to seeing things unfold given my “new secret”.

Gluten Free

I picked up the Wheat Belly book awhile back and was totally committed at the time to move to a wheat/gluten free diet but then I got side tracked, namely I felt healthy again and thus the motivation to change was lost. Right now I am fighting some asthma issues which is preventing me from running and London has also been battling some ongoing issues so I have picked up the book again and I am determined to implement the ‘diet’ change once and for all.

To implement change successfully, I remind myself of what it takes and use a popular change methodology as an example (Kotter’s 8-Step change model).  In summary here are the eight steps for leading change:

#1 – Create urgency – well I have done that with not feeling up to part and truthfully miserable

#2 – Form a Powerful Coalition – I have asked that my husband read the Wheat Belly book and also his commitment to support this change.  He has agreed to do so. In his words, if he doesn’t then there is no point in living in the house, so in other words, yes he is completely on board. Of course I would have preferred him to word his support a little differently like ‘absolutely, if this will make the family healthier then I will do whatever it takes, when I can start reading the book?’. Okay back to the real world of couples, I will take his well intended words of support and run with them.

Step #3 – Create a vision for change – “When the family is following a gluten free diet, we will be healthier overall, experience fewer illnesses, and have more energy to engage in the activities we enjoy” – check!

Step #4 – Communicate the Vision – I started to do prep London this morning about the food changes that we are going to take in order to feel better.  Normally she has cereal or a bagel and wouldn’t touch anything else but a small miracle happened where she accepted the scrambled eggs I made without any resistance. I attempted to explain the benefits of having a protein based breakfast but I think that went past the 5 year old.  Doesn’t hurt to start this young, does it? Of course, additional and frequent communication will be warranted with London but the next big challenge is trying to educate our nanny. This will be an interesting exercise.

Step #5 – Remove Obstacles – one major component to this is keeping a gluten free kitchen. Last night I cleaned out two shelves and got rid of some gluten products. There was a couple of unopened boxes of Couscous so I put those aside to give to the Food Bank. I don’t want to throw everything due to the money invested and will phase some things out over time and simply not bring any gluten free items into the house. There are more obstacles to address but this is a good place to start.

Step #6 – Create Short Term Wins – I will need to think about this one further but my instinct will be pausing at times to recognize the changes that we have been able to make and compare those against how we feel.  I will also set out the goal of trying a new recipe or two a week and creating a binder of tried and true meals that work and are tasty.

Step #7 – Build on the Change – There will be plenty of opportunities to build on the change given all the social events that occur that will challenge us and force us to be creative in how to handle them (i.e. dinner at friends, eating out, birthday parties, family gatherings, etc.).  After each event we will need to reflect on how we could have approached the event differently and learn from the experience so we are better prepared or have great solutions that don’t make anyone feel deprived.  The other aspect of this is to politely educate immediate family, children’s classes and close friends about what we are doing and how they can support us.  The good thing is that more and more people are going gluten free and it is no longer considered a ‘weird’ thing to do.

Step # 8 – Anchor the changes in ‘Family’ Culture – This comes down to educating everyone in the family why we are doing this, explain the health benefits and the effects of gluten and processed foods.  In the end, I believe that are meal experiences will be more enriched for we will have a better understanding and appreciation of what we are putting into our mouths.

To purchase the Wheat Belly book, check out Amazon: